she’d be the king.
The adage “If the Queen had balls, she’d be the King” came from the book Maybe You Should Talk to Someone by Lori Gottlieb.
This was, by far, my favorite book of 2024.
It was published in 2019 when the Queen Elizabeth II was still alive.
I’ll take a stab at the same spirit and say If the Queen had youth, she’d still be the Queen. (Death certificate, 09/22/22: “old age.”)
Gottlieb’s quip is better. “Balls” just isn’t a common part of my vernacular.
To the point:
“If Only” thinking is futile.
When this would be true if only that could be changed and that cannot be changed, then this will never be true.
Put It In Context
I understand if you struggle with accepting that some things cannot be changed. I do, too! My mantra is “There’s always a way.” But sometimes, there is not a way.
I can belt the song “If I Could Turn Back Time” with such conviction that Cher, herself, would believe that maybe I can.
I cannot.
You cannot.
We cannot.
So we should stop ruminating. Accept the past. And move forward.
It’s easier said than done, right. But what’s the alternative? Pretending it didn’t happen? Rubbish- the body knows and it keeps the score. Diminish its impact on us? Impossible- you have a new nervous system now. Wish and will things to have been different? You’ll drive yourself crazy.
If this would be true if only that could be changed and that cannot be changed, then this will never be true.
According to the Kubler-Ross Grief Cycle, the 5 stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. “If Only” thinking keeps us stuck in the first four stages when the fifth stage is the keys to the kingdom: freedom.
How “If Only” Inspired My New Book, “10 Minutes to Slim and Sober“
I used to drink alcohol. I was a little bit snobbish with my palate for wine. In one sniff, swirl, and sip, I could tell you if a chardonnay came from the Carneros region of California. I thought that I loved wine. I thought that I loved the taste, the levity it gave me mentally and emotionally, the feel of the glass, and the company it gave me, socializing with other people who felt the same. If only…
If only it didn’t interrupt my sleep; give me headaches; wake me up parched, unrested, and dehydrated; create a craving for more of itself; contain 7 empty calories per gram; adversely affect my athletic performance; give me amnesia; wrinkle my skin; take me away from my being present with my- anyone, really- but especially my kids; preoccupy my thoughts; cause me to say and do things I later regretted; cost a whole lot of hard-earned money; make me feel bad about myself; deplete B vitamins; increase my risks of mouth, throat, esophageal, breast, liver, colon and rectum cancers.
U.S. Surgeon General Issues New Advisory on Alcohol and Cancer Risk
Shoot. It does all of those things. It will always do all of those things. It is a highly addictive substance that creates a craving for itself. Drinking less poison isn’t the answer. Only poison after the kids go to bed; only poison on the weekends; no poison for Dry January- none of those were the answer. As long as I was drinking alcohol, it would do every single one of the things I said I’d love it if only it didn’t do.
If I would love alcohol if only those things could be changed and those things cannot be changed, then I don’t love alcohol.
The withdrawals alcohol was making from my life far outweighed the alleged deposits. Even the best glass of wine never tasted half as good as sobriety feels. I couldn’t have said that if I was just quitting for a “Dry January” or work week, or any fixed time, because that would have mentally constructed the narrative that I was missing out on something. I knew I wasn’t. I swear to you: My life didn’t just get a little better when I made the choice to go alcohol-free, it got exponentially better. I don’t need anything to levitate me mentally or emotionally, because I’ve constructed a life that I don’t need to escape from. I gave up alcohol without willpower. That’s because I saw it for what it is: a poisonous substance that had deleterious effects on my health, relationships, and me. I felt shortchanged for all the time, money, thought, and energy I had already given it. You don’t need willpower to not do something you do not want to do. I am a few years sober and I sleep through the night every night. I wake up every morning, clear-headed, perky and raring to go! I am strong and lean. I win running races. I feel my feelings (I don’t need alcohol or any other stupid avoidance tactic to temporarily take them away). My skin is supple and hydrated. I am present with my children (they’re only young once!). I am a good listener and great partner to my husband. I never ever ever even think about drinking alcohol, much less miss it! I have saved SO much money! I no longer feel imposter syndrome as a wellness professional. I am well.
As such, I set out to write a book to help your wellness, too.
“10 Minutes to Slim and Sober” is a new ebook that will launch on January 22, 2025. Pre-order now! Prepare yourself for the 10 daily habits in the book by starting with this step:
Eliminate an “If Only” mindset.
If the Queen had balls…